May 10, 2004 :: Feelin' Blue

Nobody likes an unhappy person. Couple this with "grin and bear it," and "put on a happy face" and you have my family's rather narrow-minded view on happiness. Despite two instances of depression in my mother's family, despite all sorts of research that says there might be a perfectly valid physiological reason for feeling shitty, my family staunchly believes that you can be as happy as you want to be.

I'd like to say that I'm smarter than that. I am and then, I am not.

I finally did some internet research this morning on the pill. I've been doing my own research for a while now, talking to my girlfriends who have been on it and they haven't been much help. No one I've talked to has ever experienced anything bad on the pill. After hearing over and over that no one else has had trouble, I was starting to feel a little crazy.

Luckily Planned Parenthood validated me. Two side effects listed on their site (and a few others): mood changes and depression.

It's kind of a relief to know that this isn't just in my head. On the other hand, anything that makes me feel this bad can't be good.

For almost a month now I haven't felt like myself. A month ago I felt healthy and happy. There was no bursting into tears and not knowing why. I was able to process my emotions before acting on them. I was able to think clearly and most importantly, I felt wonderful.

When you feel wonderful and happy people want to be around you. When you don't... Well, I've felt like such a burden to my friends and the boy this month. Everytime I'm around I feel like a walking timebomb. Things that don't even upset me will suddenly make me sad or snappish and I don't seem to have control over those feelings.

So this is where I've been the past month. I want to be happy but I feel blocked from it. And, being that I was raised by people who firmly believe it's your own fault if you aren't happy, I can't help blaming myself.

And I'm starting to sound like a broken record. I've apologized over and over, but at some point, it's not enough to apologize. Right now, I just want to be happy again. I want to spend a weekend with the boy and not be constantly monitoring my emotions. I just want to relax and be happy.